Monday, July 26, 2010

letting in...letting out...

16 x 20 acrylic on canvas ~ Vulnerability in love  ~ painted in 2006

shrouded outwardly**
inwardly open and raw

let him in ~ again
only to be let out
like a dog

moonlight, spot lit
severed thoughts
far, the dream had come
but stopped dead in its tracks like that of
a deer crossing a meadow on  a
cold moonlit night
as it sensed danger nearby,
i sensed danger in him

i awakened to dampness
my brow perspired with anticipation
heart beat in rhythm to his
once sacred, now scared
sleep come!
how i wish to sleep it away!
to sleep him away
to sleep away his lies
his betrayals
the reality that he needed something,
something that apparently no one could give

what he needs will never be
for he is lost in a plethora of needs
none of which will hold his gaze or satisfaction

selfish needs
dark deeds
they will never be met
nor should they

his vanity
his own mirror cracks at his self-indulgence
IT cannot take
the ego he wears like a crown
a crown of thorns unto himself
though their points have no affect on me

humility could give rise
but not likely
ego? illness?
ego illness?
a psyche that is not of the norm
i am petrified that i've given my heart
to someone that has a cold
devious desire to weaken those who love

image source: Painting by Calli

*interesting that I found this in my edits in blogger. I never posted it and when I read it, in its  immediacy, it did not feel as though I had written it. I think this happens when we *automatic write* from a place of hurting or sadness or when purging old feelings, emotions and beliefs. We express from a deep, cavernous place within and it all at once makes sense and yet does not. I love when this happens, because this is when we write from our place of Truth and what could be more profound than that. 
**also interesting to me is that in the painting she is vulnerable and sans clothing to depict her vulnerability and yet in the poem  she is shrouded (covered) to hide her pain. Signifies how we can be completely covered and still feel unsafe, naked and vulnerable. 

I am creating a few posts on my recent trip to Vermont. I will be posting in a series because I have so many things I want to share...stay tuned for that! but
until then you can view NEW paintings & pics here: 
Patina of a Life Expressed


Brian Miller said...

wow. great write...i can feel the place she finds herself...rather frightening when we find hte one we gave our heart not who we thought they were...

interesting the detachment you felt when you came back to it as well..

dulce said...

WoW My dear twin. This poem is poignant and beautiful and so open and cruel at the same time.
I love it. And I love the fact that you brought it from the past and does not refer to now... Or maybe it does-somehow. Who knows?
Only you know
I guess you are ok because you are greeting us with your presence again- so badly missed!

Lovely posts and pics here and in your other blog.

You've been doing so well, my friend
Welcome back... ANd please keep posting from time to time (At least) no matter you have no time to catch up on us- OK?

Hugs ;)

Cynthia said...

Hi Calli. Your emotional honesty
shimmers in this poem. Your right
the lover is taken to task more
in the poem, though your pain is
evident. And I'm sorry, this is
a devasting experience to trust
someone when the small voice of
our spirit tell us not to. I have
so been there recently.
However, this is a testament to
the golden-ness of your heart.

The painting of yourself did surprise me, sooo vulnerable
and open. And well done.

Your an amazing woman.

Shadow said...

i'm glad you posted it. it's great. and dammit, i think i know someone like this...

Opaque said...

It is a difficult place to be in. Living a delusion is humiliating. Waking up from it is damaging. Inconsistency and insincerity is very hurtful.

Calli said...

You are all so wonderful, thank you for these amazing comments. I will spend less time responding here so that I can soon visit you at your places.

Keep smiling~:)

Nevine said...

A lovely post in every sense of the word, Calli!

First off, I am such a huge fan of freewriting... and I always have been... for the very reason you mentioned. When we write without thought, without plan, we write what our inner self is truly feeling, and not what we would like for it to feel. But there is always honesty in your words, Calli, because I feel their pain, though I have not felt yours personally, of course.

And your painting, a complement to the words, though perhaps they were not intended, initially, to be wed? Still, these are serendipities that cannot be ignored... your finding this post by chance... this painting merging with it... to maybe lay to rest a question... or an emotion... that might have lingered in your heart... and agonized you.

This is why we write... and paint. And though you are often absent from your public place... I am quite sure you are purging your soul in your private one. Here's to the love of art in all of its forms... something you embody in so many ways, Calli!


Wild Rose said...

Amazing write was passing by but stopped to read and glad i did. Connecting your past and your present except your present is much more different now, sorry about the heartache and hope all is well currently. Loved your openness throughout.

P/S: I adore Johnny Depp and Shah Rukh Khan my favorite stars :-)

Wild Rose~

Calli said...

Each time I read your comments, Brian, Dulce, Cynthia, Shadow, Opaque, Nevine and Wild Rose (welcome, WR)I am reminded of why I continue to maintain a presence here in this blogging community. I am reminded of some truly sweet friendships and the joy of sharing. I believe this place has been a catalyst for creativity for many of us. We have felt safe and welcome by so many kindred spirits that we cannot help but feel open to continuing to share.

Always~ xxoo and *smiles*

steveroni said...

Oh my, Calli, I felt so "with you" in these words. Either I have been at one time that stupid a**hole of a guy, or I have known some--NO! i do not believe ever i could have been that cold...ever!

Brian's use of the word "detachment" is interesting, because how many times in our lives that we MUST detach in order to survive?

Calli, you are beautiful, as are your words, your more comment after this.

steveroni said...

"...once sacred, now scared
sleep come!
how i wish to sleep it away!
to sleep him away
to sleep away his lies
his betrayals"

These lines just rang peals of bells for my poor, sometimes aching soul.

Your work here and elsewhere is positively awesome, Calli-Girl!

Thank you SO much!